Turning Candy into Gold: Aging Parents, Alzheimer’s, and Emotional Exhaustion
Latest candy obsession: Not sure if I like blue bag or rainbow better …
By Doug Fingliss
There are some things in life that no amount of therapy, recovery work, or personal growth can fully prepare you for. Watching your parents get old is one of them.
My Mom was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and dementia. And even though I’ve done the work of years of therapy, running, sobriety, discipline, everything… I feel like I’m back at square one trying to manage the feelings that come with this.
Because this isn't just about my growth anymore. It’s about their decline.
It’s frustrating, painful, and deeply heartbreaking.
My Dad is declining, too. Losing sharpness. Agitated constantly. Struggling. We’ve tried to get them help, tried to bring in support, tried to do right by them. They keep refusing and I don’t know how to carry that.
Exhausted in Every Way
After the phone calls, the visits, their arguments and bickering, the tantrums, the reminders, the sweep it under the rug mentality, the WE’RE FINE I find myself wrecked.
Not just tired. Wrecked. Physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally.
There’s this deep sadness and soul crushing deeper than bone marrow level of exhaustion that hits afterward. Like I’ve run a marathon, 50k, 50 miler, and 100 miler in all four directions of my being all at once during the worst weather on terrain no human can navigate.
And that’s when the candy has been calling me. The sugar is fast. Easy. Soothing. A hit of dopamine when everything else feels stuck and sad and out of my control.
But I know what it is. I’m not hungry. I’m hurting. And I’m using an old tool to try and fix something new. It’s an escape and one I can easily justify. “It’s just candy.” “It’s not booze.” (and thank goodness I continue to be vigilant about my sobriety - booze is not an option)
Trying to Do This Differently
Lately I’ve been thinking about emotional alchemy. Not magic. Just the process of taking something heavy like grief, stress, exhaustion and turning it into something that doesn’t destroy me.
Here’s what I’m going to be trying.
1. Maybe I can Feel First, Then Feed?
Before reaching for candy, I’m going to try the sacred pause and check in:
What am I actually feeling right now? (this one is always hard for me to decipher - for most of my life I’ve been clueless about what I feel but I continue to work on emotional fitness)
Is it sadness? Helplessness? Anger? Just pure fatigue? I can use the feelings wheel if I need to!
Maybe just naming it will help? Maybe it’ll slow me down? Maybe sometimes that’ll be enough to change what I do next?
2. I should Move Instead
I already know this one … Move a muscle, change a thought. The exhaustion I’ve been feeling has allowed me to allow myself to let me cut this option off. I need to push past that resistance and use this tool.
3. Maybe I can Swap the Ritual?
Candy is becoming a ritual. I’ve allowed it and now I’m becoming conditioned to that as my escape. It’s comfort. There are better rituals… There are other habits I want to form. Maybe I can:
Read a few pages of a book
Yin yoga in my house
More stretching and foam rolling
Breathing exercises
Write about it (like I’m doing now!)
Maybe just writing this blog post is a turning point for me?
4. Plan for the Next Time
I know sometimes I will not win the battle and still eat candy. That’s okay. But I’m trying to have a plan for what I do after.
Write more? Go to bed early? Talk about my feelings with Erin? Schedule a meditation with my therapist? Schedule a floating meditation? Schedule yoga?
It’s not about being perfect. It’s about staying present and I’ve been letting that presence slip into mindless Nerds Gummy Clusters.
Latest candy obsession: Not sure if I like rainbow or blue bag better …
Not Wasted
None of this is wasted. Not the emotional pain. Not the struggle. Not the effort to help my parents. Not the aggravation and helplessness I feel. Not the day I ate the candy and felt that self-hatred I used to live in again. Not the absolute garbage I feel like the next day (sugar hangovers are real). It all matters.
I’m trying to remember that these hard times aren’t about being strong all the time. They’re about learning how to stay honest, how to stay vulnerable, and how to keep showing up without losing myself.
I’m working on it.
I’m hoping I can turn sugar into something better. Turn pain into movement and growth. Turn grief into action. Turn it all into a lesson in feeling my emotions.
Maybe… Just maybe… I can transmute candy into gold.
Emotional alchemy.
